


Ascension Missing Moments - Anders and Cole

by TCRegan



Series: Ascension of the Wolf [7]
Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 02:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3633807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCRegan/pseuds/TCRegan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place sometime after chapter 6 of Wisdom in Hardship.</p>
<p>Anders finds Cole on the battlements at Skyhold, and they have a conversation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ascension Missing Moments - Anders and Cole

Anders found himself walking the ramparts of Skyhold. He was mostly recovered, but the memories of Haven and its destruction kept him awake. Between his past in the Circle, the dreams that came with being a Grey Warden, and then everything that happened in Kirkwall, it was wonder he ever got a decent night's sleep. He was no stranger to nightmares, and in fact found a weird sort of comfort when his dreams were disturbing rather than pleasant. But Hawke was always there with him, sleeping next to him. He was there to kiss away the lingering fears, to calm him when he woke up screaming from some faceless, nameless terror that plagued him. He wondered still why Hawke stayed with him.

"He loves you more than he can put to words."

His hand jerked to his staff, which he kept slung on his back out of habit now. But it was just Cole, perched on one of the stone columns like a bird, looking at him curiously. He'd been so lost in thought, he didn't see him. Or perhaps Cole simply appeared. He seemed to be everywhere at once in Skyhold, and they already had a few conversations upon their arrival. Anders, of course, allowed him to stay. Cole wanted to help, and he wasn't going to turn that away, no matter what Cassandra said. He respected her, her views of the Chantry and the need for change, but this was one thing he pulled rank on. It helped that Solas backed up his decision.

"I know."

"You know," Cole agreed. "But you don't believe it. Why do you doubt him if you love him?"

"It's… hard to explain," Anders admitted, hoisting himself up on the chilly stone next to Cole. "When you live your whole life afraid to love…"

"'Empty kisses. Take the pleasure where I can. On the run again in an hour. Don't have much time before they find me. Just wanted to feel her skin against mine.'"

Anders shivered. Though it was strange to have someone who could read his thoughts, Cole did it innocently, only wanting to help. It hurt sometimes, but he explained it. To heal the hurt, you had to find the end of the knot. Some people were very knotted, and apparently Justice made it even more difficult for him.

"I remember her," Anders confirmed.

"'Alone together. A quiet room. Away from the others. The way his beard brushes against my thighs. Clinging to him in the darkness. The knife in my hand, sinking into his ribs. His blood warm against my hand. We should leave before more templars come.'"

Anders opened his mouth, then shut it abruptly. Karl. Memories about Karl being pulled to the surface. They were too painful to think about now, especially with the knowledge of the Rite of Tranquility and its reversal. Fiona spoke of it, of the Tranquil Pharamond, and of course Anders heard of everything that followed, all the things that led to the Conclave.

"Why did you have to run from the tower?" Cole asked, head tilted just slightly. "The templars?"

"Every time I escaped, they tracked me down."

"With your blood," Cole said, frowning.

"Phylacteries."

"In the White Spire, they were all destroyed."

"Lucky for those mages," Anders said.

"You think about him a lot. Hawke. Is he a bird?"

Anders laughed. "No." Even a bird of prey didn't quite describe Hawke properly. "He's just a man. But don't tell him that. He thinks he's indestructible."

"You wish he was so he wouldn't ever be hurt. That you wouldn't ever have to see him hurt again. But he feels the same about you."

"How do you know?" Anders asked, sliding his hands into his pockets. "He's not here. You can read his mind?"

Cole shook his head. "No." He paused, stretching out his legs before letting them kick against the wall. "I see his thoughts in your head. The things he's said to you. 'I want you right here. Until the day we die'."

Anders blushed. The memory was from the first night he and Hawke made love. He still remembered it well, one of the things he often recalled when he doubted himself, or when he wanted to tell Hawke to leave, to seek out a normal lover. So many years with him and he still felt like he was holding Hawke back. But Hawke would always assure him that he wasn't going anywhere.

"You don't believe it's real," Cole said sadly. "'You'll get tired of saying it. Of reassuring me. Then you'll leave'. But he didn't. He hasn't. He won't."

"Maker." Anders looked down, laughing quietly. "You know how to pull on the thoughts that hurt the most."

"…Sorry."

"Don't be," Anders assured him. "I like it, I think. I need it."

"Like you need him." Cole paused again, chewing his lip thoughtfully. "You let him hurt you sometimes. Why? I can't see it in your head. Your spirit, he allows it to happen. So it's not a bad hurt. You both like it."

Anders thought a moment, not sure how deep he wanted to go into his bedroom activities with Hawke. Cole wasn't a child, but he was… well, there was no denying he was different. And there was an air of innocence about him that Anders appreciated. "It's a different kind of hurt. It's not painful. Not really. And I trust Hawke."

"Templars closing in, have to run. Have to get away. Ducking, dodging, diving into a lake. No. They're coming for me. I have to run."

Anders frowned. His fifth escape from the tower. "That was a long time ago."

"They frightened you." 

"Yes," Anders agreed. 

"But Hawke doesn't." 

"No." Anders smiled. "He keeps me safe."

Cole contemplated this moment. "So you let him hurt you and you trust him not to hurt you at the same time."

Anders patted him gently on the knee. "That's it. Don't read into that too deeply. And… don't repeat that to anyone else." The less the people of Skyhold knew about his sex life, the better.

"He'll do anything to keep you. And keep you safe. Anything you ask."

"That's why I don't ask him to."

"'Or worse, what if you wanted to help? I couldn't let you do that.' He would have. If you had only told him. He would have said yes."

Anders flinched. The memory of that night came flooding back, of sitting, awaiting his fate. His life in Hawke's hands, listening to the others condemn him for what he'd done, of Sebastian calling for his head. The arguing, the anger. And Hawke… Hawke kneeling in front of him, gathering him into his arms. _Hugging_ him. The blood that was on his hands ran thick, and he'd been ready to die for his cause.

"He believed in you."

Anders wiped tears from his cheeks. "He shouldn't have."

Cole stopped kicking his feet. He turned and knelt on the rampart, hands clenched into fists, pressed against the stone between his knees. "I've killed people. Rhys showed me a better way. You tried everything you knew. It was all that was left. You hurt people to stop more people from hurting."

"I did," Anders said quietly.

"But you're still sad. Because you had to hurt people."

Anders nodded, pulling his coat sleeve over his hand to wipe at the tears that continued to fall. He sniffed. He wished Hawke was there. The thoughts, the doubts, everything was quieter when he was around. He felt Cole shift closer, and two thin arms enveloped him around the shoulders.

"It doesn't make you a bad person to hurt people. It only makes you bad if there's no reason. And if you like it. You try to do good. I'll help. We'll help each other."

Anders leaned against Cole, feeling him pet the feathers on his pauldrons. They sat like that for a few minutes, Anders crying silently, reaching up now and again to wipe away his tears.

"He'll come back," Cole said, sitting back finally. He patted Anders on the shoulder.

"I know he will." He never doubted Hawke. Himself, quite a bit. But never Hawke. "Thank you, Cole."

Anders caught the ghost of a smile from under the wide brim of the boy's hat. In a blink, he was gone, and Anders slid from the rampart, pulling his coat more tightly around himself. He headed back to his quarters atop the highest tower and undressed, sliding into bed alone. Hopefully, he thought, Hawke would get back soon.


End file.
